Granger. It was a strong need, like the wanting for water when suffering from thirst.

I believe, at that moment, my feeling for Granger was completely, tenderly maternal. He was much older than I. Yet he seemed a disappointed, self-condemning little boy.

When he left the house later, I watched him get into the car and drive away.

"Please, God, don't let him be too disappointed," I prayed. "Even if it's too late for my life to be as it was intended. Even if I'll never have my own personal happiness-please let Granger, dear, good Granger have his."

It happened that Dr. Proctor was attending a Medical Convention in Los Angeles, so my husband consulted another doctor. His name was Dr. Benton. I had never met him.

The outcome of Granger's examination made him a happier man. The doctor assured him that he was' not sterile. In his eagerness for us to become parents, Granger persuaded me to go in and see the doctor. I

did.

Dr. Benton was angular-bodied, lean-faced, and had glittering dark eyes and straight black hair. The minute I looked at him, though he was ugly, I felt completely comfortable. Because I sensed his integrity.

When the examination was over, he told me, "Physi cally, you're a perfect specimen of womanhood. The reason preventing your conception must be an emotional one. Maybe if we have a number of talk sessions, we can find it."

"No, Dr. Benton," I said frankly. "That isn't necessary. I think I know what it is. I'm-I'm fond of my husband but " I bit my lip, then quickly blurted, "but I'm in love with a girl."

He didn't seem shocked. He led me into a quiet little room, designed for talk. There, sensing his un114

derstanding, I poured out the entire story of my life Then I wept. I was weeping because I wanted Jan. Needed Jan. Loved Jan with all my heart.... And Dr. Benton knew it.

After a long talk, the doctor and I decided that the fair thing to do was to tell Granger that because I was lesbian, and really yearned for my own way of life, my emotional attitude prevented me from conceiving. "I'll tell him," I said, gathering my courage. "But I'll also assure him I'll live with him as long as I'm alive-if he still wants me.

9.9

"Suppose you tell him in my presence," Dr. Benton suggested. "So I can present your case honestly, scientifically, for you. All men don't understand such things." His forehead crinkled in a frown. "I'd like to be present when you tell him. You may need help."

I agreed. What I had to do was going to be difficult. But knowing the truth, at least Granger wouldn't ever again go through the agony of expecting us to be parents, then being disappointed. He'd never again blame himself. It was kinder to tell him now that because of my emotional attitude I could not conceive. We could still adopt....That is, if he wasn't out of love with me when he learned the truth. I couldn't wipe out the painful memory of how my own family had turned against me when they found out my secret.

Granger couldn't break my heart. Because when Jan left me it had smashed to bits. I didn't want to break his. "Please, God," I prayed, "make Granger under stand. Please!"

God heard my prayer. God answered it. Instead of turning on me with fury and brutality as Bob had done when he learned my secret, Granger just looked stunned.

I stared at him, my heart twisting with pain, my eyes begging for his mercy.

Then kindness flooded his face, as he said, "Poor little Melba. What I must have put you through. Not

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